A day in the life of a Post-Grad

If you’ve had your face within rather unhealthy proximity to your computer screen lately, perhaps you have found yourself confronted by Alexis Bledel’s bewitching stare in one of the pop-up advertisements for her new film Post Grad:

The horrific confusion in the depths of her Photoshop-blue eyes, the disillusioned-but-still-pretty expression, the reckless abandon with which she tugs at her neon pink graduation tassel — this poster is screaming Post-Collegiate Malaise, loud and clear. As a recent and “temporarily” unemployed college graduate, and as someone who is always careful to choose a hue of lipgloss that matches her graduation tassel, I know a thing or two about Post-Collegiate Malaise. Which is why, to my expert eye, something seems a little off about this poster. And look at this one:

Again, maybe it’s just because I’m an expert on the topic, but anyone else feel like these posters are just a teensey bit too…manicured? Commodified, even? Cloying but so relevant that they make you want to claw your own eyes out? Well, to the minds behind Post Grad: fear not. I’m here to help.

In a gracious last minute attempt to give the film that extra umph of documentarian grit, and perhaps even to push it into Best Picture territory (remember: ten nominees this year; anything’s possible!), I figured I’d write up a little summary of my day, to show the producers of the film how someone afflicted with P-CM actually behaves. Bledel, you are free to use this in your portrayal as long as you remember to acknowledge me in your Oscar speech.

August 20, 2009.

10:43 am: Wake up marginally hung over. More pleased than annoyed with said hangover, because it stands as immediate and unflappable proof that you probably did not hang out with your parents last night.

12:03 pm: Check email. Read a quoted passage from The Bell Jar on a blog; nearly moved to tears because Sylvia Plath just gets it, okay? Resolve to re-read The Bell Jar.

12:04 pm: Realize that your copy of The Bell Jar is in storage, along with ALL OF YOUR OTHER EARTHLY POSSESSIONS BECAUSE YOU ARE LIVING OUT OF A SUITCASE AT YOUR PARENTS’ HOUSE IN SUBURBAN NEW JERSEY.

12:05 pm: Punch something fluffy.

2:00 – 3:30 pm: Spend an hour and a half of your day actively thinking about how good Animal Collective is; mentally frame said activity as some sort of personal, introspective “research project” so it feels scholarly and meaningful.

4:00 pm: Tea time! Remember, you find incredible meaning in ritual and ceremony these days. Also, you’ve taken up antiquing.

7:10 pm: Go to Barnes & Noble to browse for a new book. Post up in the P section. A girl who cannot be older than 8 is on her hands and knees below you, inspecting books on a low shelf, scuttling around your feet like an nimble little crab while you read the horrible neon dust jacket of the new Pynchon novel. Something about her makes you terribly self-conscious; you’re certain she knows your casual inspection of Gravity’s Rainbow was all for show. She knows you are reading Inherent Vice because you heard it was diet Pynchon. She knows you’re a literary featherweight. A sham. She knows you just want a beach read. Your skin prickles. A Grizzly Bear song that you once described to someone as “transcendent” plays over the loudspeaker, interrupted occasionally by tinny dispatches from the management. Something about the whole situation fills you with so much embarrassment and self-loathing that you leave the store before the song is over.

7:12 pm: But not before spending 23 fucking dollars on the new Pynchon book, muttering something unintelligible about suburbia and chain stores and expired memberships to college libraries.

8:21pm: Get out your ice cream maker. Scour the pantry to see what you have that will add intrigue to resulting ice cream.

10:00 pm: Watch Project Runway while eating homemade Pepperidge Farm Chessmen ice cream directly out of the machine. Have a conversation in your head with people you know who love snacks, highly recommending that they try this flavor combination sometime.

11:49 pm: Create a blog.